You were right. It hurts to walk today.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
