i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
