No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
