I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
