I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
