I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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