Porn is love you can see.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
