Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
