My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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