Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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