My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
