can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
