I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Randomize
