Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
