What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize