New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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