hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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