Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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