This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
