I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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