It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
