I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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