I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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