Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
