the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
