are you still at the devil's house?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
only you would photoshop your dick
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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