Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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