I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
he puts the penis in happiness.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
