Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
