i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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