don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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