mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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