I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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