so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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