Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just had sex on a roof
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
