I'm eating all of the evidence.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
