Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
