literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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