You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
