I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Hippo gnu deer
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
