the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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