i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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