having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i will never coherently bang her
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
