hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
