forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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