This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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