Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
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I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
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I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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