HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
