Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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