He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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