Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
