I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
