just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
