anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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